Relationships 101
This week we begin a new series, Relationships 101.
My wife and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. With that in mind, it seems like a good time to do a refresher course on the principles of good relationships.
We are in an interesting time in history. How relationships work has changed in many ways in recent history. The basic principles of relationships never change, but how we interact with people differs from the past. The way we communicate and view relationships has changed. I remember knowing a guy about 20 years ago who met his wife online. At that time, meeting someone online was unusual, and sometimes it was even joked about. But now, it's a standard way for people to meet and interact. Personally, I do a lot of interaction with people online.
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THE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF RELATIONSHIPS NEVER CHANGE, BUT HOW WE INTERACT WITH PEOPLE DIFFERS FROM THE PAST.
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As I study each week, some weeks, there is a principle or thought that I want to communicate, but it can be difficult to verbalise. There are some things in life that, when someone verbalises them, it's like something we have always known but have never put into words. In this case, I refer to the necessity of relationships in almost everything we do. We would all likely say that we have relationships that are important to us. But when we start looking more into relationships, we realise that almost every human endeavour is built on a relationship of some kind.
We've discussed this before, but ideally, a family is built on a marriage relationship, which is a special one because it's a covenant relationship. We'll be talking about that more later in this series. Families are built on the marriage relationship, churches are built on families, and society is built on families. We learn most of what we know in the family relationship, whether good, bad, or otherwise.
Being a Christian is being a follower of Jesus, and our life as Christians is built on a relationship with Jesus. That's what makes someone a Christian. It's not being baptised or even just following the commands of Jesus, although those things are very important.
Being a Christian is about the relationship we have with the Lord. That's one of the things that differentiates Christianity from many other world religions. Many religions involve codes of behaviour, both moral and religious, where you must follow the code to achieve the goal of the religion, whatever that may be. Many religious belief systems share moral similarities. The deity of those religions is often distant and disconnected from the adherents. Adhering to religious and moral practices is the only way to connect with whatever deity.
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BEING A CHRISTIAN IS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE WITH THE LORD.
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But Christianity is different because God has made himself personal to each of us. He has made himself accessible to us through relationship. Through his shed blood on the cross, we have access to a relationship with God through the Gospel. God is not distant from us. He wants to have a relationship with you and me, and Jesus has made that relationship possible.
In Matthew Some Pharisees come to Jesus to ask Him a question. Matthew 22:34-40 When the Pharisees heard that He silenced the Sadducees, they came together. 35 One of them, who was a lawyer, tested Him by asking Him, 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
The word relationship is defined as “the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected” Relationships are how we connect to others. They can be good, bad, indifferent or otherwise, but we have some relationship with everyone we interact with, it may be brief and not have a lot of depth or meaning, or it may be a very deep, valuable and vital relationship.
Something every relationship has is boundaries. Those boundaries will vary from relationship to relationship, but every relationship has them. From the first relationships we see in the Bible, God always establishes boundaries for what determines a right relationship. For Adam and Eve, it was very simple, don’t eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve transgressed that boundary and ruined the relationship. The word transgressed means to cross over a boundary. Trespass is similar.
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FROM THE FIRST RELATIONSHIPS WE SEE IN THE BIBLE, GOD ALWAYS ESTABLISHES BOUNDARIES FOR WHAT DETERMINES A RIGHT RELATIONSHIP.
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In the Old Testament, God has a special relationship with the nation of Israel; they are His covenant people. He gives Israel the law to define the boundaries of the relationship between Himself and the nation of Israel. There are 613 levitical laws in The Old Testament. The Old Testament law can be divided into 3 basic parts. There is the religious or ceremonial law, the law governing the relationship between God and His people. There is the Civil law, We could probably say, that governs the relationship between individuals and the state of Israel as a nation. Or maybe how the state intervenes in the relationships between individuals when the need arises. There is also the Moral law, which governs the relationship between everyone and everything.
When we start to talk about morality, especially morality as it is defined in the Bible, and define clear boundaries for what is moral and what is not, many people baulk at that. I think they don’t understand that the moral precepts in scripture God has given us protect good relationships.
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THE MORAL PRECEPTS IN SCRIPTURE GOD HAS GIVEN US PROTECT GOOD RELATIONSHIPS.
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Our relationships will be good when we stay within these clearly defined boundaries. Who doesn’t want that? For instance, when we enter into a marriage relationship, we put boundaries around that relationship. That’s what marriage vows are about. They establish and protect the boundaries of the relationship. The Biblical precepts of morality are a fantastic gift when viewed in that light. They show us the best way to navigate relationships in a lost and broken world. God’s commands are protective boundaries. If you want to be right, good and well, you stay within God's boundaries.
We’ve probably all driven down the highway at some point. We share the road with other driver as we travel. Even though we don’t know thempersonally, we have relationships with those other drivers. We are connected in that we are all sharing the exact boundaries. We share the speed limit, we share the way the lanes are divided, we share the same traffic laws. Look, I know some may not follow those as closely as others, but that’s the case in everything.
Our well-being depends on our relationship in being connected by the rules of the road and all of us staying within the boundaries of the relationship. My well-being depends on you staying within the boundaries of the relationship. Your well-being depends on me doing the same thing. As long we both do that, the relationship works, and we benefit from it. I can travel a long way in comfort very quickly. Of course, there is the occasional collision, and traffic slows down, but the road rules are still the best way to navigate things when they don’t go well.
Now, what happens when someone decides to throw the boundaries out the window, They say, “I don’t like the boundaries in place, so I will no longer adhere to those boundaries”. The moment someone disregards the boundaries, they disregard the relationship. If many people do that, the entire system will collapse. The road would become absolute chaos, and no one would get anywhere.
What if someone wanted to do away with all the boundaries governing how we use the road? They say, “I want to be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without consequences or accountability, and I want you to be ok with that”. We would say, “you are crazy, no. It’s idiotic to do away with those boundaries”. But at the same time, is anyone reading who has never had a traffic violation? I will assume the best and believe that when you did, it was unintentional or maybe a momentary lapse or reason. But most of us have been there, and we’ve been sorry for it, at least when we paid the fine. The reality is that we all transgress those boundaries at some point.
That’s also true with the commands God has given us. We all transgress those boundaries at some point, and when do we put strain on our relationships. The Pharisees who come to Jesus with these questions are well-versed and good at keeping God’s commands. They even tried to make sure everyone else did the same and added some things to them, thinking they would enhance what God had given them.
The Pharisees come to Jesus, asking out of the 613 levitical laws, which one is the most important? They are asking, How do you view the law? We need to be careful with that question, it would be easy to get off into the weeds with that. But, how does Jesus view the law? He understands it, He taught with authority, and He kept it, He never actually transgressed it, so it’s important to Him.When He is asked what is the greatest commandment, listen to what He says,
“37 Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
I have no doubt there have been thousands of sermons and studies on this passage that do a great job of explaining these verses. I’m sure I won’t say anything new, but remember, we are approaching this from a relational perspective. Jesus views the commands of God as very important, He kept them.
On their importance, Jesus and the Pharisees would probably agree. But when you read the New Testament, you see that the relationship between Jesus and the Pharisees was strained at best and often very confrontational. They have differing views on the commands of God, but the different views would not be on the importance of those commands.
When Jesus says what He does, He sums up the ten commandments. The first 5 involve people’s relationship with God, and the second 5 involve relationships with others. He’s not saying something new, He’s quoting the Old Testament, Dt. 6:5 and Lv. 19:18. Those verses say precisely what Jesus said.
Jesus answers their question and gives them the 2 most important commands in the Old Testament law. When we read about the Pharisees and the Sadducees in the new testament, they often try to split hairs. To them, the commands of God are a means of leveraging God to get what they want and controlling others to get what they want them to do kind of like a modern-day Christian legalist.
Their view of the commands of God is not really about boundaries for good relationships but leverage. I was stupid enough to do the same thing when I was younger when my wife knew Jesus, and I did not. I remember fighting with her about something and saying something along the lines of well, the Bible says I’m the head of the household, and you need to do what I say. The Bible says in the new testament that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. That’s true, but the command is meant to be a boundary for a good relationship, not for selfish leverage. In my ignorance and pride, I used it for leverage, like a legalist or a Pharisee. But what Jesus says shows us that the commands are not about leverage.
In what Jesus says, He brings love into the relationship boundaries that are the commands of God. He doesn’t say they are not essential or meaningful, but applying commands is done through loving God first and foremost and loving your neighbour. Jesus teaches us the balance between the commands of God and Love and how they interact, and how the two bring us to the place God wants us to be.
The Pharisees and the Sadducees use the commands for leverage. The Pharisees were supposed to be the religious leaders, they were supposed to care for the people.
They should have followed the commands out of love to live within the boundaries of loving relationships with God and people. But instead, they leveraged them.
Modern-day legalistic Christians do the same thing, charlatans do the same thing, and religious leaders who take advantage of people do the same. I had a conversation with someone recently about this who was angry, saying the same old tropes, churches only want money, and religious leaders prey on people. They want to use you. And I admitted openly that yes there are some who have leveraged religiosity for personal gain and I hate that as much as you do. But that doesn’t rightly represent God or what His commands are about.
It pains me to think so many people are deciding about church and religion, and Jesus based on the actions of those who have tried to leverage God’s commands for gain. Part of my mission is to give people the right information so they are, at the very least, able to make a rightly informed decision about Jesus. He loves us and gives us commands as a path to navigate a lost and broken.
But then, on the other side of the coin, progressive Christianity emphasises love to the point of tossing out the commands, and nothing God says matters because it’s all about love. When you go down that road, you end up in a scenario where you are on a road where people are not only not following the rules, there are none. It becomes a dangerous place where no one gets anywhere.
Biblical commands are the boundaries for good relationships, they are about how we relate to God and people. They are fuelled by love. We have biblical commands because God loves us, we strive to live by them because we love God.
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WE HAVE BIBLICAL COMMANDS BECAUSE GOD LOVES US; WE STRIVE TO LIVE BY THEM BECAUSE WE LOVE GOD.
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When we love the people around us, we will live in God’s will. I don’t mean emotional love. When you are driving down the road, and you are following the road rules, you don’t always feel love for the other drivers on the Road. But you still follow the rules of the road, You don’t have to feel love to act in love.
When we look at Biblical commands, Jesus says this is what’s most important, love God, love your neighbour. Jesus sums up the duty of keeping God’s commands as love. To be right, love and commands are inseparable. Whether leveraging a command without love or acting out of so-called love outside of God’s commands, either one perverts both love and commands.
So we are trying to live inside of God’s boundaries, acting out of love for God and our neighbour. It’s sacrificial love is what it is. Jesus is the perfect example of that.
Philippians 2:5-8 Let this mind be in you all, which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. 7 But He emptied Himself, taking upon Himself the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in the form of a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross.
We sin. We transgress the boundaries God has set for us. Because of that, we are separated from Him. If it were only about commands, that would end the matter. We would face God’s judgement and eternal condemnation. However, God so loved the world that He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross. To shed His blood for your sin and mine. He has made a way through His Son Jesus, so that you and I might have a relationship with Him- a relationship where you become his child rather than the object of His wrath.
You see, God is perfect and his commands are permanent and perfect. God won’t just do away with His commands, toss them aside or forget them. They are too important. At the same time, God loves you and has provided a way, through His son, to have a relationship with Him.
His commands are too necessary to be broken without consequence, nor can they be done away with. They are so important that the only way breaking His commands can be paid for is through the shed blood of Jesus. God loves you enough that He sent His son so His blood might be shed as payment for our sin.
God’s love and commands are beautiful. They are a blessing. God wants you to come to Him through the shed blood of Jesus. He wants a relationship with you, and He wants you to follow His commands in that relationship as a clear boundary for the relationship..
You can have a relationship with Him. Recognise that you need a saviour, and turn to Jesus in faith.
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